I considered acting as if all of this had never happened and I just got quiet over these few months because I did.
That felt like the most inauthentic garbage ever, Theres nothing Luminous and Wild about hiding from truth.
If you can’t acknowledge where you really are, chances are you’ll never end up where you are supposed to be.
If I am unable to show up fully as my true self, with all of my learning that led me here, how can I honestly expect to ever inspire you?
I envisioned emerging back into the world as a wild lone wolf warrior of love forever.
Pouring all I am into this tribe and this passion and free us all one day at a time.
But I was still paralyzed in unworthiness which meant, more practice, be patient.
“Someday I’ll be better at starting again”
It swept upon my shores unwelcome.
I didn’t ask for it, and covered my ears and closed my eyes to the warning alarms.
Imminent in the silence between us, we never wanted it this way.
Theres a fine line for safety’s sake in the calm before the storm.
The unknown has a way to hold you captive, curious to the changes coming
while unsuspected destruction may quietly await ready to rip your world to pieces.
DO NOT ignore the sirens when they sound in your spirit…
This is what keeps you safe.
Struck like a meteorite onto my flesh.
Stinging in waves I couldn’t contain for weeks on end.
For so long it was a bad dream.
Always coming back around in deplorable timing.
I just want to get some sleep.
For so long I waited for you to say sorry.
Even I was sorry the truth was so hard to swallow.
For so long I waited for anything real.
“We both want the same thing, I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
With a kiss you were gone again but aren’t you always gone
Even when you were here
Struck to my flesh
Always coming back around just when I caught my breath.
Stinging in waves I can’t contain for weeks on end.
I just want these tears to cleanse what has come in between us.
Maybe we can start again. Maybe we can heal this together.
In between waves
I reassembled the pieces of my life, once scattered on the ground.
When love is mindlessly swept out from beneath you
again and again and again
it feels like you have nothing left to give so you collect what you can.
Maybe I have been on the other side of this feeling before, and now I know.
This broken side is not the easy one, but we are always given what we need to grow.
The perfect conditions for transformation so long as we are courageous.
I know how it feels for smiling again to be a victory.
I know how it feels for no tears before bed to be a triumph.
I know how it feels having to do what I could to prove to myself I was still indeed alive,
to have to create an unending pile of reminders that it is ALWAYS worth getting up and trying again.
It’s not like me to forget the last time I laughed until it hurt.
So I kept finding more occasions to do just that and stopped taking this all so seriously.
Maybe I didn’t actually have love figured out as well as I thought.
Maybe I didn’t have myself all figured out either.
This heartache was guiding me exactly to where I needed to go.
Life became far too beautiful for wasting time with men
busy buying roses from the store when they have their own garden at home.
I still wanted to stay asleep for months. Hide from it, maybe it will go away.
I’ll just wake up someday on the other side.
Friends tried to shake me awake, Family said I lost my passion.
Some days I’ll admit I checked out.
To be asleep meant not having to witness people’s faces.
When they see you’re still walking with a ghost you cannot shake.
Thank you friends for pulling me out of the darkness every time I fell back in for more.
Hi I am Rachel. PLEASE stop asking about my ghost.
I am Rachel.
I see you seeing me, not shining quite as bright as you remember in this moment, now lets all just move on.
I played with the idea of my future loves, an unsettling thought.
I entertained throwing my broken spirit into bed with anyone interested.
An impossible action for a heart that feels to this caliber.
Emptiness just breeds more emptiness.
How would I show up in this world if I was no longer afraid of getting hurt?
How long will it take me until I am ready?
Every wave that came reminded me to dig a little deeper into what matters most.
Music and Mystery and Magic never ever leave you.
Allow the tempest to work its course. Become fascinated with every step along the way.
Theres no stopping waves here to realign your spirit with the gifts you came to this earth to share.
Allow uncertainty to come and forgiveness to flow.
Find the joy and revisit it as often as you need to remember: this too shall pass.
Cold eyes of a beloved speak a truth we may not always want to notice,
but we have no time left to mourn in the illusion.
I am Rachel – I do not hold space for ghosts.
The mornings were growing quiet again.
I am older now and some days I do agree with others that I am wiser for feeling all of this.
The songs I wrote about you we now get to sing in public.
Not only do people listen, but now they sing along and I can’t tell you how good it feels.
A unique purpose is coming back to life and as the earth prepares for winter
I feel the blooming of a spring within and I am letting it happen this time.
Dreams of you finally stopped, Freedom is now mine to wake without your ghost.
Take the mess and make something beautiful that everyone can trust.
We all have our mess, our heartbreak, our darkness, the tricky part is building it into what comes next.
“Each part of the journey is a part of the destination.”
Harness that shit. Own it. Let it grow you.
and then burn in the fire and howl at the moon.
The waves subside.
The new chapter commences, heartbreak hideout complete.
Id given up everything that I once was so I could be more and saw from the other side that all along I was enough.
I let go of the guilt in knowing I deserved better, so better could finally find me.
I was up before the sun.
I took a drink of cotton candy clouds
meandering over a frosty fall river.
Everything had changed.
Better was already here as soon as I was no longer looking for it.
Love settled itself onto my doorstep without announcement, it was here in me waiting all along.
I laughed my stained glass heart open into the sunrise sky.
Every end sparks a new beginning, so long as we let it end.
Thank you to everyone who walked with me until I found my place again.
So excited to see what happens next.
Awake and Unafraid.