Its the first time my dad ever dropped me off at the airport without tears.
Could be its the first time he’s better at waiting until the car ride home to miss me or perhaps that he knows by now that unlike him I don’t plan on leaving home only to return 20 years later.
I wish it could be easier, articulating to my family and friends the inner struggle I went through in 2015 and how this journey is quite literally saving my life by bringing me back on track to the path I am meant to be walking.
A friend of mine told me recently that “2016 is going to be everything that 2015 was supposed to be but we weren’t ready yet.” I definitely feel that to be true.
We all know why we are here, deeply, truly. And we all forget. or we think we are not yet ready for our true destiny.
2015 was a roller coaster ride of highs and lows and a long stumbling in the darkness trying to find a bearing but its all over now.
I smile in recognition of how a new year can change so much, fuel to a deeper fire to burn bright as I know I am here to do. But who says we cant have that NYE feel every night? For each day to be a brand new day to begin in celebration and for every evening to wind down in a grateful reflection with committed positive intention moving ahead.
Last year was a lot of holding back and hiding in so many ways. I understand how rapidly this pattern piled up negative actions that restricted the flow of my vital energy, causing blockages, manifesting illness, acne, and most recently a “growth” in my brain that is still under investigation.
I have experienced so much that I don’t share for the risk of seeming too weird or too sensitive or like i’m seeking attention/validation. Theres so much I don’t do in the moment at the risk of looking foolish in the eyes of another.
There are countless times Ive put others first and promised myself later or tomorrow to played small still wondering why I get depressed.
Tomorrow never comes when Im worried about what would you think, What would you say? If you will like it.
Honestly its none of my business.
So I will just go ahead and stop censoring myself. I suggest if you are reading this that you look at your own life and where you play small and fucking stop that shit right this second too.
The willingness to feel it at all makes it real – we are here and we are enough.
I know a big part of my awakening is waiting in writing and still I resist.
Silently secretly nourishing the distance between myself and what I am naturally passionate about.
What the hell kind of awakening is this anyway? Walk the talk.
I used to wear headphones when travelling especially on planes (often without music even playing) so the person next to me just wouldn’t strike up a – Hey lets talk about everything and nothing for the next 5 hours – kind of experience.
Closing myself off to the universe as it whispers to me through others.
Now I understand so deeply from experience how every. single. person. who crosses my path is here for a reason. Some for years, some for seconds and each one is so important.
Theres a guy who checked his bag just behind me and then sat next to me before boarding and is now sitting across the aisle from me on the plane and I feel like I should say hi. I don’t know why, I don’t know him, Ill likely never see him again but I still feel it.
How often do we feel this pull towards each other and do nothing? Say nothing?
I said hello.
Whoa Rachel you wild child rule breaker.
What happened next!
He was hella friendly (of course) and spoke about how a 4 month trip had turned into a year and a half of adventure in Asia and in his own way reminding me of how important it is to go with the flow of energy. We smiled following our brief exchange at baggage claims and wished each other a safe journey.
No big whoop – but still a action of awakened intention.
Often I watch the people but in airports and buses and community gathering/transport places they are particularly fascinating. We ignore the shit out of each other.
We motor on as if our journey is the most important and how dare you take so long to get your bag down from the overhead.
For a few minutes I contemplated taking my layover in Toronto right on the airport floor because I would open myself to connecting to so many more people and then I got a phone call from a couple of soul mates and the choice was made for me.
In the morning we walked through the park in the cold and though I was not dressed for the cold I was content to be in such good company. After about 10 handstands and a shot of honey whiskey for the road I continued my journey grateful and giggling.
What kind of alignment is this anyway? A crooked spine and a patchwork heart marching onward into the unknown with an undeniable trust in Divine synchronicity.
I was contacted by two teachers I think of as angel nomads on an instagram photo I almost didn’t post.
They invited me to join them in Mexico for a Yoga Teacher Training Immersion and everything in me stopped when I read their words…
Id been asking for this.
Id been searching for my teachers but how did they find me first?
Training was to take place in Playa Del Carmen. The same amazing city where I was with a past love just shy of a year ago and the same city I believed we would live in together one day.
Can I really go back when Im just moving forward?
I did all of the paperwork. Scholarship confirmed. Its really happening.
I took some time off in the summer to better manage my depression and focus on inner health and healing so I was not feeling like ultra money pockets over here. The scholarship made my 2016 dream of teacher training an imminent and exciting reality. Don’t pinch me while I pinch my pennies and take a month and dive into my soul.
I got an email saying the training had moved from Playa to Cozumel and I cried immediately.
A heaviness came over me, my mind raced, my heart followed.
No no no – don’t you know I have too many memories there, don’t you know I still had so much hope there before our outer world collided with our months of inner sleepwalking and its not meant to be, I don’t want to go anymore.
After contemplating sending a gentle bowing out email for a couple days , I decided instead to book my ticket.
No matter what happens, no matter how ready I think I am or not, this opportunity came to me here and now and here and now I must act upon it.
Maybe this is the universe telling me I am ready so long as I am willing.
Canada to Cozumel for a transformative month of Yoga, Qi Gong, Tai Chi and Scuba diving with the incredible and beautiful Ariadne and Agung of Qi Yo.
Sometimes we never think we are ready until it happens.
Let it happen.